I never really considered loving myself as something that was important.
Sure, you’re told that you should, but I knew what I was. An average, run-of-the-mill person. Not amazing at anything in particular, not blessed with any special talents, and someone that would be lucky to find someone else to love them.
Don’t get me wrong — I had things I liked about myself. I was liked well enough throughout school and had a steady stream of friends that wanted to be around me. My peers praised me for my friendliness and outgoing nature, and my dad let me know how grateful he was for my helpfulness and responsibility.
But my sister was blessed with all the talent — she was the one with the cooking skills, the drawing skills, the photography skills, the dancing ability, the beautiful singing voice, and on top of it all, she had an exotic beauty to her. I just couldn’t measure up.
Growing up alongside her, I learned to compare.
I learned it when my aunts praised her for her talents but said nothing to me. I learned it when she was stopped at the mall by modeling scouts and I was overlooked.
I learned it when we sang a duet together at Christmastime as teenagers, when upon finishing, she was showered with praise by my grandpa’s new wife. Not a word was said to me; it was as if I was invisible.
So self-love? I didn’t hate myself, but I knew what I was. And that wasn’t someone talented or good enough for any special type of treatment.
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As I continued to grow older and my sister and I went in separate directions, I went through a steady stream of crushes that went nowhere, and dates that ended after a maximum of two.
I worried I would never find someone to share my life with. For some reason, that was my end goal — I thought if I could find someone who wanted to be with me, then that was all I needed.
I thought once that happened, I would finally feel special. I would finally be special, just like my sister.
I didn’t realize how wrong I was.
Fast forward to my mid-20’s, and I fell in love. I got married and begin to settle into my new life with a partner by my side, and do you know what I found?
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That the comparing didn’t end with my sister.
My husband was charismatic, friendly, and the type of person who makes friends instantly. He oozed self-confidence.
I started to feel like I just didn’t measure up, and when acquaintances would tell me how lucky I was to have found my husband, I took it to mean that he was the only one with something special to offer in the relationship.
So when we moved to Japan shortly after getting married to teach English, I let him do all the talking to new people. I told myself it was because he spoke Japanese and I didn’t, but that was just an excuse.
I retreated into my shell, rarely speaking up or taking charge. Once we moved back home to the U.S., I struggled around new people, even though I had always thought I was a friendly enough person before.
After having a few kids, I eventually realized I couldn’t go on this way. I couldn’t be a good mom, wife, and person in general when I was so down on myself all the time.
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So, I made some changes. They weren’t easy and they didn’t happen immediately, but I am at the point now where I can truly say I love myself and my relationship with my husband is better than ever.
Here’s what I learned along the way.
1. Self-love isn’t dependent on circumstances.
I thought if I just found someone to love me, or if I were just as pretty or as talented as my older sister, then I would be someone that was worthy of love.
Maybe then, I would feel good about myself.
But things don’t work like that. Being pretty or talented doesn’t make you automatically love yourself. Having someone else love you doesn’t automatically make you see all the reasons you’re worthy of love, either.
Ralph Marston once said, “Happiness is a choice, not a result.”
Well, I believe that love is the same. Loving yourself is a choice; it’s not a result of your circumstances.
You can choose to look at yourself and see all your good qualities — see all the reasons others love you — or you can choose to compare.
You can choose to make yourself feel inferior or you can choose to ignore thoughtless comments of others and focus on the things you like about yourself.
Either way, it’s your choice.
2. If you don’t love yourself, your ability to love someone else decreases.
For a while, I thought my husband was not only the more special and important one in our relationship, I thought that he thought that as well.
I took offense to things he didn’t say, instead of focusing on all the things he did say.
For example, he’d be praised for his adaptability. I would think, Well, huh. I’m adaptable too! Why doesn’t he ever praise me for that?!
Or when I would meet new people who knew him first, they’d tell me what a great husband I had. They’d list some of his qualities and I’d think, Well, what about me??
He would go about his day, confident in himself and his abilities, and I would somehow take his self-confidence as a slight.
Eventually I realized that people would say good things about me too — I just chose not to see it. My internal voice telling me that I wasn’t good enough was just so strong it overpowered everything else.
It took me a long time to see how much that hurt our relationship.
3. Loving yourself doesn’t just change you.
Learning to love myself has been one of the best things I’ve ever done.
I’ve seen the difference it makes at home with my kids. I’ve seen the difference it makes with my family, my sister especially.
And, most importantly, I’ve seen the incredible difference it’s made in my relationship with my husband.
When I didn’t love myself, I struggled through life. I tried to let my husband’s love be enough, but I couldn’t let the feelings of me not being “enough” go.
But once I learned to love myself, truly love myself, independent of all other circumstances, my ability to love my husband for who he was increased.
My ability to see the joy I can bring my husband just by being me increased, and I was able to give of myself more fully as a result.
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Sometimes I still get down on myself. Who doesn’t? But there’s a difference between getting down on yourself occasionally and believing that you are an inferior person.
Loving yourself isn’t always easy, it’s definitely a choice you have to make repeatedly.
But if you want to have the happiest relationship you can possibly have?
Loving yourself is key.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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